I’ve been undergoing a major shift these past couple of weeks emotionally and spiritually. I’ve been camped out in a tangled garden of my own making. It wasn’t pleasant and I’m happy that worst is over. Two months ago I was offered an opportunity to grow in my spiritual tradition. This is a culmination of my growth over the past few years. But little did I know that night that the labour pains birthing a new me would get more painful than I’d ever imagined.
A lot of times, when we think Ego, we think about a loud braggart, full of themselves. I was full of myself too. I thought the world revolved around me. I thought every mistake was as disaster and would damn me forever. I thought that everyone I met was weighing me up and judging me. I apologized all the time. I recanted and reflected on events … how I could have done better and why the heck did I say that.
My ego manifested itself in being anxious, nervous and fearful. I had always feared the Gods had singled me out for pain and suffering. I worried about my loved ones. I worried about illness. And on and on and on. Until I couldn’t take it anymore.
Until the pain I was causing myself wasn’t worth it anymore. And I couldn’t call myself a leader in my spiritual tradition until I got my emotional shit together.
I started by going back through my childhood, teenaged years and early adult years. Reflecting on conversations had and lessons dished out. I was feeling around in the darkness for the roots of the illusions planted and nurtured by my ego.
When I was ready to let go, I got to work. I lit incense, I sat down, legs crossed, back straight. I asked my mind to take me on a journey to help heal me. I went deep into the part of me that was hurting. I ripped out those roots. I piled them high. I lit a bonfire with what I harvested. As the fire receded and the embers were left glowing in the darkness, I saw a dragon’s egg. I chipped the egg open and a dragon emerged. It grew to full size and I climbed on its back. We dove deep to the place where I ripped out the roots and we cauterised my wounds with its fire.
After that meditation, things started to happen. Life eased up a bit. The work I was doing gave me the courage to take off the blinders I was wearing for thirty-odd years. I had to rethink a lot of long-held beliefs I had about the world. Beliefs that solidified in my mind by many years ago.
For me challenging these beliefs meant being realistic. Journalling helped a lot with this because it’s waste of paper and ink to spew the same irrational nonsense day in and day out. When I read some my thoughts repeating themselves, I could at least start to refute them.
I’ve had to accept that not everyone is going to like me. And they don’t have to. Back in the earliest of days, not being accepted meant that you’d die. Because you didn’t have a tribe. Nobody dies anymore from not being liked and there are millions of tribes in the world.
Now that I have cleared out the overgrowth of illusions blocking out the real world. And now that I see the real world, it makes me excited to think about the possibilities for my newfound freedom.
What illusions are holding you back? Are you ready to tend your garden?